Steering the definition of sex away from the standard model also helps reframe the sexual “dysfunctions” that Masters and Johnson created. Say, for instance, that a couple is making out, and he gets excited and comes “prematurely.” Well, nice for him! He had a good time and there’s nothing wrong with that.
It’s not a dysfunction or a failure in any way.
Of course, the partner may raise the question “so what about me?” But even if the male’s penis became soft after his orgasm, his hands and tongue are workable for loving his partner and meeting his or her needs. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. He just needs to know what the partner likes and needs, and the basis for knowing is being able to talk openly about sex.
John gottman says , “Hite’s report makes sex all about open communication – about what both partners want and need sexually at any particular moment. It links good sex to verbal and nonverbal communication. In one fell swoop, this manages to eliminate performance anxiety as well as most of the sexual dysfunctions, by shifting emphasis away from lockstep stages where competence and incompetence are rigidly defined.
There are, in fact, a number of possibilities for sex that don’t fall in line with the standard model. We are not expecting you to completely change your attitude about sex just from reading this over once. That’s a process that will take some time. We do, however, want you to try having an open mind as you think about the ideas that are presented in this first tool. Try discussing them with your partner. Do they make sense to you? Try sharing with your partner how the ideas from this section do or don’t apply to the intimate life you’d like to have with him or her.”